Shit My Dad Says.

For those of you reading this that aren't familiar with Facebook (mom), there are things called Fan Pages. You can become "fans" of them, and you'll be notified whenever there is a new post. You can be fans of things (like...Redbull), or you can be fans of artists, celebrities, subjects..pretty much anything someone has created a Fan Page for.
I recently discovered my new favorite page: ShitMyDadSays. It's a 29-year-old man who lives with his 73-year-old father. The son posts all of his favorite quotes from his dad. They are HILARIOUS. Some have me laughing out loud (loling, if you will). Here are some of the most hilarious quotes on the page. If you're on Facebook, go to my profile and click on my fan pages to become a fan. It's worth it. BEWARE...most of it is extremely vulgar. That's what makes it funny. And remember, I'm just copying and pasting. I didn't come up with this crap myself:

“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."

"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”

"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."

"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."

"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."

"I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem."

"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."

"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal."

"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over."

(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat."

"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy."