Here Goes...

Ok, a lot of you have been texting, emailing, and calling me asking me if I'm alright, because my blogging is down and dumpy lately. Yes, I'm ok. Well, not really. But I will be.

To make a really, really complicated long story short: Felix and I are breaking up (if you haven't guessed that already). The reasons are complicated, but basically, we want different things. We still love each other a lot, and that makes it more coomplicated.

ANYWAY, we're made the decision to live together through the holidays for several reasons (there are more, but they're personal, and if Felix ever reads this blog I don't want him to think I'm COMPLETELY letting our dirty laundry out for the entire World Wide Web to read) :
1. We're not fighting, and are actually managing to get along really well, for the most part. It's hard to explain, but it works for us (at least I hope).
2. His daughter. That is going to be hard. REALLY hard. I've grown to love Talia alot, and it's going to be tough to tell her, and neither of us think it's the right thing to do when Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.
3. Frankly, neither he nor I are ready to just break it off yet. So, while we know it's coming, we just want to put it off for awhile and have agreed to deal with it at a later date. You might think that is a pathetic thing to do, but hey..maybe we're pathetic people.
4. We're both going to move out of the place we are now because we can't afford it on our own, and coming up with deposits and rent and everything right around Christmas? No thanks.

So, I don't expect anyone to understand our situation, we're dealing with it as it happens. And I'm not blaming anything on him, but if he could just work through some things, I would be 100% content to staying with him and loving him forever. But I'm also old enough to realize I can't make someone change, or hope they'll help themselves when they don't want to.

As confusing as this all sounds, that's where we stand right now. We're still going to spend time together on the weekends, and hopefully still go on our trip to NYC with Steph and Rich at the beginning of December (we both have agreed to still go, but I'm taking it day by day and not getting my hopes up). I'm saying all this because when you read my blog and I talk about Felix, I don't want everyone to think, "Oh! They're working stuff out and are going to stay together!" As much as I would love for that to happen, I'm not holding my breathe.

Just bear with me, everyone. I'm getting good at only letting myself breakdown at certain times during the day. When I wake up in the afternoon, I let myself have a good cry, and I let myself do it again before I go to bed. For the most part, I can keep myself together at the times in between, unless I'm on the phone with my mom of course, then I cry alot. But isn't that what mom's are for?

The last time I had to get through heartache like this was when I was in my early 20's and I'll tell you what, the older you are? The easier it gets. Not saying it's EASY, but I've learned to not blame myself this time around, or think "If only I'd have done ____ we'd still be together."

Maybe things could totally turn themselves around in the next 8 weeks, and maybe we can go back to the deliriously in love couple that we were just a few months ago, but it's not fair to either one of us to hold our breathe and expect it.

So that's what's going on in my life! How about yours?